KRAP News at Eleven/Series pilot
From the Porplemontage Studios Wiki
In which: We meet anchorman Rex Stangle, but not Jenny the weather girl.
Cast (in order of appearance): Announcer, Rex Stangle, Jenny puppet
Originally debuted on: July 7, 2006
Page title: Car chases nightly!
Transcript
{A typical old-fashioned news-show opening music plays as the logo, a globe with the title "KRAP NEWS", appears in a series of unnecessarily fancy wipes.}
Announcer: Welcome to KRAP News at Eleven. And now, here's your anchorman, Rex Stangle.
{The lights fade in on the newsroom, a simple brown desk with a green background, and Rex Stangle seated at the desk.}
Rex: Good evening. Tonight's top story involves a high-speed car chase on I-99.
{Cut to an Atari-style video game screen of a top-down racing game in which two police cars with flashing lights chase a yellow car. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads "KRAP VIDEO REENACTMENT."}
Rex (voiceover): Police pursued the vehicle until they spotted a Starbucks—
{A small building with an equally small parking lot glides into view on the left side of the road; the police cars pull into the parking lot and stop.}
Rex: —and decided to stop for donuts.
{Cut back to the newsroom, in which Rex is holding a piece of paper and shaking his head.}
Rex: Very disappointing day for the police department.
{He tosses the paper offscreen.}
Rex: We'll return with the weather after this.
{Cut to a screen similar to the opening with the words "TOMORROW NIGHT..." pan across.}
Announcer: Tomorrow night on KRAP News at Eleven...
{Cut to grayscale footage of a city street. A silhouetted figure out of focus in the foreground walks across the screen as another silhouetted figure standing on the sidewalk watches it go by.}
Announcer: You've seen them on the sidewalks...
{Cut to a foreshortened view of the same sidewalk. The silhouetted figure shuffles slowly away from the camera.}
Announcer: ...but did you ever imagine that they might be (louder with reverb) OUT TO GET YOU?!
{The words "OUT TO GET YOU?" zoom in and flash red and yellow.}
Announcer: A KRAP News special investigative report...
{Cut to a black screen with the title sliding in.}
Announcer: (again loudly with reverb) MIMES: THE SILENT KILLERS!
{Cut back to the newsroom.}
Rex: And now, here's Jenny with the weather.
{Cut to a screen which only vaguely resembles a weather map. The front lines are substituted by dotted lines of red and blue, a clipart-style tornado symbol is on one of the landmasses, and a clipart-style thermometer with the caption "24ºC" is over the water. There is a long, awkward pause.}
Rex (offscreen): Jenny? (pause) Where the heck is Jenny?
Announcer: (whispering) Um, she went home, sir.
{Rex sighs in exasperation. Fumbling noises are heard offscreen.}
Rex: (mumbling) Hang on... okay.
{A female hand puppet pops up in front of the weather map.}
Rex's voice: (in falsetto) Hello! I'm Jenny! Tomorrow's weather is going to be.... partly... uh..... slodgy! (pause) With a chance of... stuff! Falling from the sky! (pause) I'm really Jenny! Good day!
{The puppet glides offscreen and more fumbling noises are heard. Cut back to the newsroom.}
Rex: That concludes tonight's broadcast. Thank you and good riddance.
{The room lighting dims.}
Announcer: This has been KRAP News at Eleven. Thank you for tuning in.
Real-world references
- Starbucks is a popular chain of coffee shops which, among other things, also sells donuts.
- The line "Thank you and good riddance" is a takeoff on the "traditional" anchorman signoff "Thank you and goodnight."
