KRAP News at Eleven/Bad Sports
From the Porplemontage Studios Wiki
In which: The KRAP News team tackles the steroid issue.
Cast (in order of appearance): Announcer, Rex Stangle, Local Lunatic, Hi Scoreman, Len Martin
Originally debuted on: October 18, 2006
Page title: Flex that journalistic muscle!
Transcript
{The same opening scene as in the other episodes.}
Announcer: Welcome to KRAP News at eleven. Up to the minute with your man of the hour, Rex Stangle.
{The lights fade in on the newsroom with Rex Stangle at his desk. He is holding a piece of paper and looking offstage.}
Rex Stangle: {mumbling} What do you mean we're being sued? That kid choked on his own dang sneaker. Oh! {Turns back to camera and tosses the paper offscreen.} {in a regular voice} Good evening. Tonight we report on a local man who claims he was abducted by aliens.
{A sketch of a stick figure being sucked up by a flying saucer's tractor beam fades in with the caption "(ARTIST'S RENDITION)."}
Rex: He claims that before returning to earth, the aliens revealed to him all the secrets of life.
{The sketch fades back out.}
Rex: We now take you live to the scene where even now he's being loaded onto the truck to the looney bin.
{Cut to an outdoor scene. A man with a wild eyes and a thick gray beard is standing in front of a gray truck, wearing a straitjacket. The caption reads "LOCAL LUNATIC."}
Lunatic: Darth Vader is Luke's father! "Rosebud" is the guy's sled! The Planet of the Apes is really Earth!
{A man in a white cap and shirt and a tie appears behind him.}
Man: Okay, weirdo, let's go.
Lunatic: {being carried away} Soylent Green is people!!!
{Cut back to the studio.}
Rex: And now for sports. It seems the steroid bug has bitten the minor leagues. Local baseball player Hi Scoreman, third baseman for the Podunk Strikers, has been suspected of illegal steroid use. Our sports reporter Len Martin has the exclusive.
{Cut to a baseball field. Hi Scoreman, whose name is contained in the caption, stands at left, a massive, hulking figure so tall his head doesn't even fit on the screen. Len Martin stands at right holding a microphone.}
Len Martin: So, Mista Scoreman, is there any truth to these, aah, allegations?
{He reaches the microphone up towards Hi's head, but it doesn't nearly make it.}
Len: Uh, the... the mike won't reach. Could you maybe, uh, bend ovah? {pause} {mumbling} What's that supposed to mean, you'd "bet I'd like that"... hey, HEY! That was not appropriate! You wanna piece a' me? C'mon, you don't scare me! I can take you on! I CAN TAKE YOU O--
{The scene is cut off. Cut back to Rex.}
Rex: {clears throat a few times} Yes. Well. That's our broadcast. Until next time, remember. I'm Rex Stangle... and, you're not.
Len: {from offscreen} For your information, I am married with kids! Rex, t-- tell the guys.
Rex: I don't know you.
Real-world references
- The rantings of the Lunatic reference common movie spoilers:
- In Star Wars 6: The Return of the Jedi, villain Darth Vader reveals himself to be the father of hero Luke Skywalker.
- In Citizen Kane, the title character's dying word is "rosebud," which, after a lengthy investigation by the press, turns out to be the name of his childhood sled.
- At the end of Planet of the Apes, it is learned that the planet Charlton Heston's character has crash landed on is Earth in the future.
- In Soylent Green, the food of the same name is revealed to be made from human flesh. The Lunatic's line echoes the main character's wording of this discovery.
